Friday, April 30, 2010

3 Wishes For 3 Shows

Rule number one about creating a blog, don’t start a blog during near the end of a school semester. It was a difficult week to say the least, but something awesome happened. I found a genie.
Yeah that’s right a genie.

She gave me three wishes; as long as they don’t involve drugs or sex then I can make any wish come true. I thought about video games, pizza, movies and how terrible they are these days. But then it occurred to that some of my favorite TV shows seem to be taking a turn for the worse. So here are my three wishes that could save them lameness.

Can the writers of “Glee” please kill off April Rhodes?

Before anyone decides to send me hate mail, let me point out that I #$%ing love “Glee”. It’s the first show on television has ever provided a consistently entertaining show in the format of a musical and it still has time to be the funniest show as well. The problem with the show is Kristin Chenoweth, its not that she is terrible, it’s that she is too good for this show. At first it was hilarious that April is making every character on the show look Mick Jagger without teeth, but eventually the regulars have to sing and their lack of awesomeness begins to show. Then recently the producers use Kristin in almost every damn song as if everyone had laryngitis. So for the good of the show, stop using April Rhodes for this season and on the next season kill her off after a couple appearances.

Can everyone working on “The Pacific” stop pretending that they are making “Band of Brothers”?

Seriously just pick one character and stick with it. The concept multiple stories only worked in “Band of Brothers” because everyone was in Easy Company and everybody liked each other. Was there a main character? No but when there’s a character named Bill “Gonorrhea” Guarnere who needs one. In “The Pacific” there is three main characters, they are on separate islands throughout most of series and man they must have been hard to write. One is the whiny b****, then there's the whiny b**** that’s hardly there, and finally there’s the whiny b**** that comes in at the last minute. I have never seen so much abuse of crying men and swaying violins since “Pearl Harbor” violated the screen. But the biggest irritant is how the show kills off people that the audience doesn’t even know and everyone makes a big deal about his death. Now unless Atticus Finch is doing the eulogy, and Pink Floyd is playing “Wish You Were Here” then I’m not going to be sympathetic about Col. What’s-His-Face’s death.

Key ingredients for the best funeral ever.

Just write off a character or two and stop being sentimental about the deaths. We get it, violence is bad and the Japanese soldiers were just defending their country but damn it nobody cared about anti-war crap back then, it was 1943, when people volunteered to fight. Oh and that intro is longer than “Stars Wars Ep. 3”.

“Lost” can you delay the finale?

When “Lost” started its first season, I thought it was just about people chilling on an island. The previews did not mention anything about ghosts, crazy French women or polar bears. So for the next few years I ignored the show and watched “24”. Now “Lost” is on it’s final season and I’m only on season three. And knowing America’s love of free speech, everyone is going to talk about the ending how “it all makes sense”. Then the show will not be interesting anymore because everything is revealed. Like a magician telling everyone that each card was an Ace of Spades. So if someone accidently lit the tapes on fire so that they had to re-shoot the ending that would be great.


Sadly the genie refused because she doesn’t want to get sued by television executives. Apparently the omnipotent super-being is worried about a lawsuit and a shortage of cash. So she gave me her credit card and told me to buy whatever I want. She now wishes that she had a lawsuit.

Wait until the gold plated game room/bar is completed

While not even a genie could stop the studios and networks from burying themselves, its always fun to vent about their bad ideas. So what wishes do you have?

Friday, April 23, 2010

The Big Lebowski(or El Duderino if you're not into that whole brevity thing)

When the Coen brothers won an Oscar for writing the movie “Fargo”, people had really high expectations about their next film. That film turned out to be “The Big Lebowski” and dude is it crass. It’s like Coens decided to replace every comma with f@#$, or $!## if they were bored. Also, when the story begins with a guy getting a swirly, doesn’t help it not sound like the next Appatow picture.

The story is about Jeff Lebowski aka “The Dude,” his hobbies include smoking marijuana, competitive bowling and remaining unemployed. But all of a sudden, two loan sharks break into his house, beat him up and pee on his rug and to add insult to injury, they actually visited the wrong Lebowski. Apparently, there is another Jeffery Lebowski whose wife owes them money. Then in The Dude’s effort to seek compensation for his rug (it really did tie the room together) he gets caught in an elaborate kidnapping plot that involves nihilists, feminist artists, a porn producer and a green toe. The Dude’s friends (played by Steve Buscemi and John Goodman) even try to help out but they seem to define counterproductive. While this plot is definitely inspired, there are some pacing issues. Luckily there are plenty of great characters that range from odd to just plain psychotic.

The Coens are some kind of mad geniuses because while their dialogue vulgar it still contains some very intelligent wit that actually makes their characters sound like ordinary people. Of course this would be useless without great performances. Both John Turturro, Philip S. Hoffman really make the most of a small role. Steve Buscemi plays against type as a na├»ve optimist who doesn’t really talk. John Goodman just explodes with such intense anger, but of course the man of the hour is Jeff Bridges. He is hilarious (obviously) in every scene that he is in, but that’s not point since anyone can play a slacker. It is his friendly demeanor, how he stammers through of the dialogue, his baffling reactions and… %$#@ it’s just a really good performance.

Ever since the 1960s, there have been many comedies about marijuana users. But out of all the stoner comedies (sorry Cheech & Chong) “The Big Lebowski” is the only one that actually has a plot, a weak one but it exists. And with help of great performances and a script soaked in bong water it gets 4 out of five.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

"The Big Lewboski" preview

Earlier this year Jeff Bridges won the Best Actor award at the Oscars for his work in “Crazy Heart”. It was not a surprise that he won since the voters can’t tell the difference between lifetime achievement and annual achievement. Yet who can blame them, Jeff Bridges is one of the most reliable actors of this generation and the last. Like Meryl Streep he is able to mold into a character without using exaggerated acting techniques.

"Subtle" Vs "Not Subtle"

The irony of this that his best performance he has ever done is (on paper) one of the shallowest characters that anyone can play, a pot smoking slacker known as The Dude. And since 4/20 is today, might as well watch “The Big Lebowski” as soon az the smog flys away...ooh webdings. I'm sorry Dave, but I can't let you do that.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

I'm Back!

After getting sunburns in Florida for a week, I have decided that early retirement might be a bad idea. So now I'm back home... in California (I'm gonna look like beef jerky) but at least I'm not traveling for a while. It was a pain in the $@! to get back here, I was gonna fly back but security wouldn't let me take my Mickey Mouse bubble bath (Shut up! It's a souvenir). So instead of wasting good bubble bath (Seriously shut up!) I used Amtrak instead. Too bad the tickets cost about as much as your soul and a kidney. Since I cherish my kidneys I took the most logical step.

I lost a toe but I still have my kidneys.

So now that I'm typing on the blog again, I'll be doing at least one review of a random or suggested movie every weekend. Will these be deep and meaningful? Well of course not, I'm a critic not Aristotle, but if you want simplified and (hopefully) entertaining film criticism then this is the blog for you... Was that too much like a commercial with Billy Mayes?

If you seen "How to Train Your Dragon" and your mind wasn't blown then try this.

Warning: User may lose hearing and sight.